Across the Sea
by gibbonsarenotmonkeys
Summary: Drabble, Shepard's thoughts on the Crucible. SPOILERS for the ending of Mass Effect 3, with a hint of Shrios


I don't know how long I stared at that beam of light, the one that seemed to carry all the hopes and dreams of a galaxy. Synthesis. The perfect solution, apparently. All I had to do was throw myself into that pulsing beam of energy, and the reapers would stop killing, the organics would stop dying, and peace and harmony would reign supreme throughout the galaxy.

The catalyst made it sound like the ideal solution; but I couldn't exactly trust him to be impartial or honest, could I? For all I knew, this was some bullshit answer to get me to throw myself to my death so the reapers could continue their slaughter.

But if that were the case... why bring me up here? Why not let me bleed out down below, unable to make any choice? My death was certain either way.

It couldn't have been that long. The battle still raged outside, and I let my eyes wander to the sight of ship to ship fire and exploding debris outside. Every second I delayed, how many lives were lost? Lives that were counting on me to destroy the reapers.

Synthesis. The perfect solution. But... was it?

Making organics and synthetics the same wouldn't stop conflict. Organics were the same and it didn't stop us from killing one another. There was no perfect solution here, just the choice that the catalyst wanted me to make.

But it was a choice I didn't want to make.

I turned away from the beam of light, dragging my tired, beaten and bruised body up the ramp.

I knew what it wanted me to do, and if I did that... it would win. Maybe it was telling the truth. Maybe if I did what it wanted, there would be peace and happiness and candy clouds for everyone. But it wouldn't be ours. I remembered Legion's words from what seemed like a lifetime ago... every sapient has the right to self-determination. I believed that. I believed that we had to make our own way, that we had to decide how to build our societies.

I nearly choked at the thought of Legion. He had given his own existence to save the Geth... and now I was about to destroy them. Grinding my teeth, I continued forward.

It had created this cycle of destruction. It wanted me to change the galaxy that I fought to save. I would not give it the satisfaction.

My gun was heavy, the grip slick with the blood that still trickled down my arm. I felt light-headed already, and my body screamed at me to stop. Still, I limped forward, set in my course. Maybe synthetics and organics were doomed to destroy one another... but that was our course to set. No self-important AI was going to tell me how to save my galaxy, let alone tell me how to die.

It took an effort to lift the gun, to point it at the power conduit, my arm shaking as I took aim. This was what Anderson had died for, the destruction of the reapers. Squeezing the trigger was hard, like my finger didn't want to take the order, but once the first bullet punctured the glass container, the others that followed flew quickly.

Edi's face flashed through my mind, and I swallowed hard, knowing this decision would cost her everything she'd gained during her short existence.

The explosion that followed threw me back, fire searing at my bare arm as the gun slipped from my grip. My head collided with something hard, but with the fading of the light, I saw something else. Thane. The heat dissipated from my limbs slowly, and I knew with a certainty I had never felt before, that he was waiting for me.

_Across the sea..._

"Thane..." It came out as a croak, blinking slowly against the bright, white light. But even before they focused on the source, I realized that I wasn't dead. Death couldn't possibly hurt this much.

"Lola?" I groaned, and the only thing I could think was that if I was dead, I was going to kick Vega's ass for following me. I could still remember the look on his face, the pain in his eyes as Edi had dragged his bloody ass back onto the Normandy. The way he had stretched his hand out towards me, the plea in his eyes, beckoning me to go with them. He'd looked at me like he was never going to see me again. "Shit! Shepard's awake!"

"Stop... yelling..." I murmured, but even that much caused me pain, and I coughed... which only wracked my body with more pain. Oh, this was better than death, definitely. Not.

"I knew if anyone could pull off that mission, it'd be you. You really are loco, commander." I turned my face towards him with an effort, my vision still spotty but well enough to reocgnize that big, puppy dog grin of his.

"James... shut up." I managed, although it hurt even more than before. I couldn't even tell where the pain was coming from, it was just like it was everywhere.

"Easy does it, Commander." I saw the flicker of an omnitool over my head, Doctor Chakwas' voice floating down from somewhere above me.

"Doc... am I dead?" I finally asked, groaning again.

"Not yet, although you certainly did your best." How was it that she managed to sound like a chastising elementary school teacher? "Some of the ground troops in London found you amidst the rubble where the Crucible crashed down. You were still breathing, and they managed to keep you that way until help arrived."

"So... not dead." I reaffirmed, and she nodded. I relaxed back onto the bed. "Mind hitting me with some morphine, or something? Everything hurts."

The doctor chuckled, and nodded. "Of course, Commander. Get some rest." It didn't take long before I felt my eyelids growing heavy, the pain dying down to a numbness in my limbs, before I sunk away on a tide of darkness.

Not dead yet... I hoped Thane would be willing to wait a little bit longer for me.


End file.
